Again, it has been almost a month since I have posted on this blog. But there is good news! I can now log into my blog from my work computer, but we'll see how long that lasts. Hopefully, I can keep up with it more often during lunch or right after work.
The weekend after the retreat I had to return to my home diocese for the baptism of my first goddaughter at the cathedral. While I was in, I met with the vocations director, Fr. BB, after the Vigil Mass at his parish. We walked to a family, authentic, Mexican (actually, I think they were from Guatemala, but it is listed as Mexican) restaurant literally just across the street. One more part of the first step in the application process. We had a nice conversation he wanted to know more about me and my family, I had some questions for him. He talked about this site he found (from an ad on the local EWTN radio station),
The Star of Bethlehem. And related it to how God knows how we think and is going to try to speak to us in a way that is meant only for us. God knew that these wise men were looking for looking for a sign and were Astrologers. So, what did he do to speak to them? He put a sign in the stars that only they would recognize and know what it meant. He encouraged me to keep a journal to keep track of these signs, so that later I could look back on them. I didn't tell him that I had an anonymous blog that I was already using (because that would defeat the purpose of it being anonymous). I did tell him that I'm horrible at keeping a journal, I'm sure you may have figured that out by now. He confessed that he was horrible at journals as well, but he tries to write down so of the important things.
Another reason I haven't posted in a while is because this month I have been in what is sometimes called a dark night of the soul. I was really questioning what I am doing, why I am doing all of this, and all sorts of questions. I think there are a couple of reasons why I wondered into this wilderness. Mostly, I think it is because of the stress of everything. I suck at stress, I don't really lash out at other people, but internally, it is definitely a weakness and something that makes me struggle. I'm sure the devil is plenty aware of this weakness. I hoped to have all of my short answer and essay writings as well as my reference list for my application done and in the mail about a month ago. I now have 3 out of the 10 writings typed up. First, I get busy and start stressing, then I fall back into sins such as gluttony and sloth when I'm not doing the current things that are taking up my time in life. I gained more weight back during this time than I did over the holiday season. Then the wilderness starts to feed off of itself once I realize that I've not been paying attention to what I eat and hitting that snooze button until I'm making myself late for work. I start to get down on myself and the feelings get worse. Then I start to question my self worth, and feel like I'm not cut out (in this case to be discerning a vocation to the priesthood). Then, I've had a few nice conversations with online with a friend who, if I could choose who I was going to marry, it would be her, which made me question everything as well. I even got to the point this past week that I was starting to feel really depressed and was texting and looking for friends online who I could talk to because I really needed it. Absolutely no one was available or responding. I sunk even more into depression Friday night.
However, there is hope in this story. Saturday, I made myself get some extra chores done and was still feeling down, but not out anymore. Sunday night, I tuned into Jeff Cavins' The Great Bible Adventure on EWTN (I try to listen to it on the radio when I can because it is awesome). He is currently in the book of Exodus and was on the part of the plagues and passover in Egypt. This look at Exodus led me to my own exodus from my wilderness. He talked about how all of the plagues were in direct correlation to Egyptian gods, to say I even have power over your false gods. The Israelites were in Egypt for 400 years, they had begun to assimilate some of the Egyptian practices and gods (take for instance the bull god that would keep cropping up in the form of the golden calf). The last plague is not only important to setup the feast of passover, and as another symbol pointing to Christ, but also in dealing with the Egyptian gods. You see, Egyptians revered the first born as sort of divinity in the family as well as sheep were revered as gods that some of the Israelites started to respect as well. God had slain the other Egyptian gods in the all of the previous plagues, but for this last plague, God puts it to the Israelites to sacrifice the god of the Egyptian and puts it directly out there for them to face their addiction and turning away from God head on. Which made me realize that God wasn't going to make the stress and all of these feelings go away. He put my weakness and addiction right there in front of me, so that I can slay it myself and choose to trust God. And by facing my weakness and coming through, I can say that with God's help, I too can be free of this weakness. Okay, maybe it is a little hard to explain what I was feeling last night. But, if you get a chance, find a way to at least listen to these Bible Studies of Jeff Cavins.
The other reason I think this dark night started was because Fr. BB said next summer I would probably be wrapping up my job and then starting seminary next fall. I think he was talking about 2011, although I hope to show him differently. We shall see. All in God's time.
Well, back to typing up and editing these other writings. I will be traveling again on Thursday so I can go to the youth protection course for the diocese, because apparently the one here doesn't count.
Dominus Vobiscum
