Again, it has been almost a month since I have posted on this blog. But there is good news! I can now log into my blog from my work computer, but we'll see how long that lasts. Hopefully, I can keep up with it more often during lunch or right after work.
The weekend after the retreat I had to return to my home diocese for the baptism of my first goddaughter at the cathedral. While I was in, I met with the vocations director, Fr. BB, after the Vigil Mass at his parish. We walked to a family, authentic, Mexican (actually, I think they were from Guatemala, but it is listed as Mexican) restaurant literally just across the street. One more part of the first step in the application process. We had a nice conversation he wanted to know more about me and my family, I had some questions for him. He talked about this site he found (from an ad on the local EWTN radio station), The Star of Bethlehem. And related it to how God knows how we think and is going to try to speak to us in a way that is meant only for us. God knew that these wise men were looking for looking for a sign and were Astrologers. So, what did he do to speak to them? He put a sign in the stars that only they would recognize and know what it meant. He encouraged me to keep a journal to keep track of these signs, so that later I could look back on them. I didn't tell him that I had an anonymous blog that I was already using (because that would defeat the purpose of it being anonymous). I did tell him that I'm horrible at keeping a journal, I'm sure you may have figured that out by now. He confessed that he was horrible at journals as well, but he tries to write down so of the important things.
Another reason I haven't posted in a while is because this month I have been in what is sometimes called a dark night of the soul. I was really questioning what I am doing, why I am doing all of this, and all sorts of questions. I think there are a couple of reasons why I wondered into this wilderness. Mostly, I think it is because of the stress of everything. I suck at stress, I don't really lash out at other people, but internally, it is definitely a weakness and something that makes me struggle. I'm sure the devil is plenty aware of this weakness. I hoped to have all of my short answer and essay writings as well as my reference list for my application done and in the mail about a month ago. I now have 3 out of the 10 writings typed up. First, I get busy and start stressing, then I fall back into sins such as gluttony and sloth when I'm not doing the current things that are taking up my time in life. I gained more weight back during this time than I did over the holiday season. Then the wilderness starts to feed off of itself once I realize that I've not been paying attention to what I eat and hitting that snooze button until I'm making myself late for work. I start to get down on myself and the feelings get worse. Then I start to question my self worth, and feel like I'm not cut out (in this case to be discerning a vocation to the priesthood). Then, I've had a few nice conversations with online with a friend who, if I could choose who I was going to marry, it would be her, which made me question everything as well. I even got to the point this past week that I was starting to feel really depressed and was texting and looking for friends online who I could talk to because I really needed it. Absolutely no one was available or responding. I sunk even more into depression Friday night.
However, there is hope in this story. Saturday, I made myself get some extra chores done and was still feeling down, but not out anymore. Sunday night, I tuned into Jeff Cavins' The Great Bible Adventure on EWTN (I try to listen to it on the radio when I can because it is awesome). He is currently in the book of Exodus and was on the part of the plagues and passover in Egypt. This look at Exodus led me to my own exodus from my wilderness. He talked about how all of the plagues were in direct correlation to Egyptian gods, to say I even have power over your false gods. The Israelites were in Egypt for 400 years, they had begun to assimilate some of the Egyptian practices and gods (take for instance the bull god that would keep cropping up in the form of the golden calf). The last plague is not only important to setup the feast of passover, and as another symbol pointing to Christ, but also in dealing with the Egyptian gods. You see, Egyptians revered the first born as sort of divinity in the family as well as sheep were revered as gods that some of the Israelites started to respect as well. God had slain the other Egyptian gods in the all of the previous plagues, but for this last plague, God puts it to the Israelites to sacrifice the god of the Egyptian and puts it directly out there for them to face their addiction and turning away from God head on. Which made me realize that God wasn't going to make the stress and all of these feelings go away. He put my weakness and addiction right there in front of me, so that I can slay it myself and choose to trust God. And by facing my weakness and coming through, I can say that with God's help, I too can be free of this weakness. Okay, maybe it is a little hard to explain what I was feeling last night. But, if you get a chance, find a way to at least listen to these Bible Studies of Jeff Cavins.
The other reason I think this dark night started was because Fr. BB said next summer I would probably be wrapping up my job and then starting seminary next fall. I think he was talking about 2011, although I hope to show him differently. We shall see. All in God's time.
Well, back to typing up and editing these other writings. I will be traveling again on Thursday so I can go to the youth protection course for the diocese, because apparently the one here doesn't count.
Dominus Vobiscum
Showing posts with label Application. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Application. Show all posts
Monday, February 1, 2010
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Blocked Again
I haven't written on this blog in a while mainly because they turned Websense back on at work and they block logging into Blogger for some reason, so I can't even write while I am on my lunch break or before and after hours like I have been doing. Also, for a couple of months there wasn't a whole lot of news, just a lot of praying and waiting kind of a deal. The last reason that I haven't posted recently is because I have become extremely busy. I will try to get you caught up on all of the things that have been going on in my discernment process over the past few months.
After my last post, I contacted the vocations director of the diocese where I currently live (remember, I'm discerning through the vocations office of my childhood/hometown diocese). He was very supportive and offered any help, but there does not seem to be any ongoing discernment groups here like there is back in my home diocese. The only event is a once or twice a year interest meeting.
It had actually been over a month since I had heard from or talked to Fr. JS. One Friday, as I was in daily Mass at noon, I was starting to doubt if this path is the one I should be taking and reminded myself that I was hoping that if this is what God intended that the doors for this path would be wide open. Not that it wouldn't be difficult, but that the next step would be clear. At work, I decided that since I hadn't heard from Fr. JS in awhile that maybe I should go out to a bar to enjoy some live music and maybe call up one of my girl friends not as a date, but as company. And maybe see if I should start looking at the dating scene again. Low and behold, by the end of the day, I had an email from Fr. JS saying that he was sorry for being out of touch, but he had knee surgery and was wanting to get together by the end of November.
I made a trip up to meet with him at a small sit-down restaurant in the downtown area of a small town where he was giving a class that morning. We just talked for a while and we both had some questions for each other and he asked me if I had thought about starting the application and told me a little about what that meant, but didn't go into great detail. I wasn't too sure about that just yet. We left knowing a bit more about each other and a little bit more about the process. During our meeting we had to comment and laugh about the number of couples being escorted back to check out the reception area that day, they were lining up one after the other.
The next Sunday, my co-catechist, CO, for the 9th grade class I teach asked me after class if I have been considering the priesthood and where I was in the discernment process. She did not know about any of this before and I was a little taken aback. I told her a bit about what was going on, since if it continued, she would have to know why I was going to be continually gone on the weekends.
As I had been praying about the application of which Fr. JS spoke in our last meeting and CO had talked to me about furthering discernment out of the blue, I decided that this was a sign that I should start the application. I called up Fr. JS and told him and he told me more in depth about the application process, which I will describe later. But, most importantly he said that once you start the application process the diocese considers your discernment more of a matter of public record and that I needed to talk to my family before starting the application process.
Over Thanksgiving weekend when my brother, his wife, and my parents were altogether I took them out to a nice restaurant to tell them lots of good news including my discernment, as well as paying off my debt and loosing some weight. My sister, LM, had a lot of questions since she was raised Lutheran and joined the Church a couple of years ago just before they married. No one was too shocked, but they were surprised by the news and of course were supportive as we always are of each other. The next day at my grandparents' house my Dad wanted me to set near him on the couch and then said he was proud.
That week I called Fr. JS and told him that I had talked to my parents. The very next weekend I was in town again so we met at a restaurant and he gave me the application packet and went through it page by page taking a look at it. The application process for priestly formation, at least in this diocese, contains 4 steps. The first step involves a 58 question application, getting 5 names for letters of recommendation, 8 1 page short answer questions, 2 3-5 page essay questions, 2 copies of transcrpts, 2 copies of sacramental records, consent forms, safe environment training, and a physical. That is just the first step in the process! He also explained to me that there was a dinner with the bishop and seminarians To which I was invited at the rectory of the cathedral during the Fourth Week of Advent and it would be good to turn in some of the application that week.
So, I had to get busy. I did the research to get the 58 questions filled out, scheduled a physical, got my sacramental records, and filled out the consent forms. That was the part I turned in. I was still waiting for one of my references to get back with me and I had gone into church in front of the blessed sacramen to write up outlines for all of the writings I would have to do, but did not get a chance to type them and proofread before that week.
The dinner was great. It was good to finally get to meet the new bishop who was installed after I moved to another diocese as well as meeting and talking to a bunch of guys who were/are going through some of the same things. I met with the administrator in the vocations office, BG, the next day to turn in the materials I had completed and then went to my alma mater to order transcripts.
On Christmas, I had both of my grandparents open a package which contained the first page of my application packet at the same time to tell them. There were lots of tears shed, only by my grand parents. Which gets us all caught up in this blog.
Next, I will be going to a discernment retreat this weekend at St. Meinrad Archabbey and Seminary. Also, I have setup an initial formal meeting with the Vocations Director, Fr. BB, the following weekend. Remember Fr. JS is the Assistant Vocations Director. I will let you know how both of those events go, but for now, I am trying to type in all of those papers I need to get done for step 1 as well as my job, youth ministry, my R.E. Lesson plans, godfather responsblities and a myriad of other tasks on which I am falling behind.
Dominus Vobiscum
After my last post, I contacted the vocations director of the diocese where I currently live (remember, I'm discerning through the vocations office of my childhood/hometown diocese). He was very supportive and offered any help, but there does not seem to be any ongoing discernment groups here like there is back in my home diocese. The only event is a once or twice a year interest meeting.
It had actually been over a month since I had heard from or talked to Fr. JS. One Friday, as I was in daily Mass at noon, I was starting to doubt if this path is the one I should be taking and reminded myself that I was hoping that if this is what God intended that the doors for this path would be wide open. Not that it wouldn't be difficult, but that the next step would be clear. At work, I decided that since I hadn't heard from Fr. JS in awhile that maybe I should go out to a bar to enjoy some live music and maybe call up one of my girl friends not as a date, but as company. And maybe see if I should start looking at the dating scene again. Low and behold, by the end of the day, I had an email from Fr. JS saying that he was sorry for being out of touch, but he had knee surgery and was wanting to get together by the end of November.
I made a trip up to meet with him at a small sit-down restaurant in the downtown area of a small town where he was giving a class that morning. We just talked for a while and we both had some questions for each other and he asked me if I had thought about starting the application and told me a little about what that meant, but didn't go into great detail. I wasn't too sure about that just yet. We left knowing a bit more about each other and a little bit more about the process. During our meeting we had to comment and laugh about the number of couples being escorted back to check out the reception area that day, they were lining up one after the other.
The next Sunday, my co-catechist, CO, for the 9th grade class I teach asked me after class if I have been considering the priesthood and where I was in the discernment process. She did not know about any of this before and I was a little taken aback. I told her a bit about what was going on, since if it continued, she would have to know why I was going to be continually gone on the weekends.
As I had been praying about the application of which Fr. JS spoke in our last meeting and CO had talked to me about furthering discernment out of the blue, I decided that this was a sign that I should start the application. I called up Fr. JS and told him and he told me more in depth about the application process, which I will describe later. But, most importantly he said that once you start the application process the diocese considers your discernment more of a matter of public record and that I needed to talk to my family before starting the application process.
Over Thanksgiving weekend when my brother, his wife, and my parents were altogether I took them out to a nice restaurant to tell them lots of good news including my discernment, as well as paying off my debt and loosing some weight. My sister, LM, had a lot of questions since she was raised Lutheran and joined the Church a couple of years ago just before they married. No one was too shocked, but they were surprised by the news and of course were supportive as we always are of each other. The next day at my grandparents' house my Dad wanted me to set near him on the couch and then said he was proud.
That week I called Fr. JS and told him that I had talked to my parents. The very next weekend I was in town again so we met at a restaurant and he gave me the application packet and went through it page by page taking a look at it. The application process for priestly formation, at least in this diocese, contains 4 steps. The first step involves a 58 question application, getting 5 names for letters of recommendation, 8 1 page short answer questions, 2 3-5 page essay questions, 2 copies of transcrpts, 2 copies of sacramental records, consent forms, safe environment training, and a physical. That is just the first step in the process! He also explained to me that there was a dinner with the bishop and seminarians To which I was invited at the rectory of the cathedral during the Fourth Week of Advent and it would be good to turn in some of the application that week.
So, I had to get busy. I did the research to get the 58 questions filled out, scheduled a physical, got my sacramental records, and filled out the consent forms. That was the part I turned in. I was still waiting for one of my references to get back with me and I had gone into church in front of the blessed sacramen to write up outlines for all of the writings I would have to do, but did not get a chance to type them and proofread before that week.
The dinner was great. It was good to finally get to meet the new bishop who was installed after I moved to another diocese as well as meeting and talking to a bunch of guys who were/are going through some of the same things. I met with the administrator in the vocations office, BG, the next day to turn in the materials I had completed and then went to my alma mater to order transcripts.
On Christmas, I had both of my grandparents open a package which contained the first page of my application packet at the same time to tell them. There were lots of tears shed, only by my grand parents. Which gets us all caught up in this blog.
Next, I will be going to a discernment retreat this weekend at St. Meinrad Archabbey and Seminary. Also, I have setup an initial formal meeting with the Vocations Director, Fr. BB, the following weekend. Remember Fr. JS is the Assistant Vocations Director. I will let you know how both of those events go, but for now, I am trying to type in all of those papers I need to get done for step 1 as well as my job, youth ministry, my R.E. Lesson plans, godfather responsblities and a myriad of other tasks on which I am falling behind.
Dominus Vobiscum
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